There's no such thing as TMI for a doula. And we are known for being totally unaware of our surroundings while on a phone call with a client or discussing birthy stuff with doula friends. To those who have overheard these conversations, I'm sorry. Sort of. To my doula friends, comment with your funny quotes!
20 Funny Things I Have Said to Clients (Or my husband or a friend)
“Was there blood too, or just mucous?”
“You're throwing up?! Yay!!!”
"Can I show you your placenta?"
“Your butt is not ripping apart. I know it feels like it, but it's not.”
“Most women poop. Poop is good!”
“Stick your butt waaaaay out. Like this.....”
“Your nipples are perfect.”
“You were making noise when this baby got put in there. It's OK to make some noise while this baby comes out.”
"Hey, babe. I just got home. There's a placenta in the fridge in the garage."
“You can take it orally or insert it vaginally, whichever you prefer.”
“You feel like you need to poop? That's what we're waiting for!”
“May I touch your breast?”
“Try holding your boob like this...”
“Don't put the phone down next time. I want to hear the noises you are making.”
“What did you see when you wiped?”
“You should probably bring some towels to sit on.”
“I promise you the baby is not coming out of your butt.”
"I need to get going. I have a placenta in the van."
"Pushing feels sort of like throwing up, but in the other direction."
"Semen can really get things started. Orgasm is good, too. Oh! And nipple stimulation."
And to balance it out.....
20 Things that aren't so funny, but that I say often during a birth.
“You are amazing.”
“You are such a good mom.”
“I know it's hard, but you are strong and you can do this.”
“You are doing so well.”
“Take a couple big breaths for your baby.”
“What a beautiful belly.”
“I can't wait to see you holding your baby for the first time.”
“Wow. You are incredible.”
“Good, mama. You are doing so good.”
“You were made to be the mother of this baby. Whatever decision you make is the right one. I will support you with whatever you decide.”
“Let's have a birthday party!”
“Your body is working perfectly.”
“Listen to your body.”
“This contraction will go away just like all the others have.”
“Stay with it. Almost there.”
“You will never feel that contraction again.”
“You were designed to do this.”
“Would you like me to pray with you?”
“Can I get you something to eat? Drink? A cold washcloth for your neck? A warm blanket? Turn the lights down? Turn on some music? Draw you a bath? Massage your back/feet/hands? Try some counterpressure? Get you anything?”
Amber Piller - Professional Birth Doula and owner of Agape Birth Services. Serving Northwest Houston including Jersey Village, Cypress, Tomball, Spring, and Katy Texas.